Weaving a fence...

...is very much like making love to a beautiful woman!

(This scrapbook item has proved fairly controversial, so for those of you with filthy minds explanations have been added!)

First, you get your best equipment out and test to make sure it's in good condition.
(once you have listened to the tools talk, get some tools, e.g. loppers, bowsaw)
Then you have good look around to see what's on offer - there's usually a good selection.
(choose a suitable tree, kindly provided by people doing coppicing)
Next you go in for the kill and ensure there's a good distance between you and your competitors. Now that you're alone with your victim you can let out all the energy built-up during the week. You often repeat this until you've got a fair number of trophies in your collection.
(at a safe distance from others, trim the small branches off and cut into lengths)
Once you're satisfied, you survey your domain and pick out the sleekest, straightest limbs. You carry your new friend over to your king-size "chopping block" and lay them down. Next you grab hold of your hefty weapon and raise it straight and high, bringing it down with force and purpose.
(get any reasonable sized stakes and sharpen one end, remember NO gloves!)
After a while you notice you've got the perfect stick and decide to do something constructive. You then take your stick and drive it into the soft, squelchy hole - repeated blows will ensure it's in properly.
(bang stakes into the ground to form uprights)
By this stage you're knackered and move on to less strenuous activity, weaving more supple parts of your victim among the skeleton.
(weave thinner branches between the uprights)
Then you're done and you can sit back and survey your work - maybe even invite friends round to have a look.

by BUCG's very own Alpine Car Dealer (anon)

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