See the Facebook group: Colonel Muff

The History of Colonel Muff.

Colonel Muff was brought to bristol by Mr Hutley on the evening of the Hyde Park relays 2004.

Records(for the original version - see below for rules)

Exhibition Cider Muffs(easy really, only half a pint of cider)

Colonel Muffin (the same as for C.Muff, but with muffins instead of beer)

Tri-Mufflon (Pint, 10 "swimming-motion" arm movements, 2 rice cakes, 10 "running-motion" leg movements, Muffin)

THE IRON-MUFF

This prestigous event, the ultimate dream of many muffathletes, has not yet been attempted. Rules to be clarified, but it looks like it may well involve some or all of the following: A malt loaf, spinache, Guiness... suggestions? email me: symondsandrew@hotmail.com

Official International Standard Colonel Muff Rules and Regulations Section M.U.F.F.0.1.1.a.i.c

1. The potential Colonel must undertake to perform the muffage in adherance to stringent health and safety regulations. Namely the participant will be sufficiently lubricated and seated at a 'ye Olde English pub/inn' establishment.

2. The muffage will be executed thusly:

The willing participant will instigate the procedure with the subsequent paraphernalia:

- One Pint (0.5682612 litres) of English Ale (a poor imitation European lager is just about acceptable).

- A ye Olde English oak table (a poor imitation European IKEA copy is just about acceptable).

I. "This is the first Colonel Muff of the Evening"

One sip of ale is consumed holding the glass with one finger, followed by one tap on table of thine glass. The participant will perform one tap with one finger on the table with each hand then on each knee with each hand then one tap of each foot all to be done in a right to left fashion.

"This is the second Colonel Muff Muff of the evening"

II. As in I. but with 2 of everything.

"This is the third and final Colonel Muff Muff Muff of the evening"

III. As in I. but with 3 of everything.

"Once a Colonel" displace the glass from its resting position with your rightmost hand and rotate it 180 degrees clockwisely about the plane perpendicular to the surface of the earth and perpendicular to your nose. The Glass should be raised about three inches for this operation and the centre of rotation should be about the centre of gravity of thine glass. Then say “always a colonel”.

You are now a fully qualified colonel and may you have a long and prosperous and very muffous coloneling career.

(Thanks to Dan Gold for supplying the above muffulations)

If you balls up (see disqualifications below) then finish your pint and go get another one ready to start again on your next turn and this time try and get it right or you will soon find yourself bowing to the colonel's power.

Disqualifications for the following:

THE QUAD-MUFF

THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE: 4 muffs to complete. This involves a pint of beer, a pint of lager, a pint of Guinness and a shot of your choice. The current record holder is Oli Mott (see below).

Footnote

The French version 'monsieur le colonel fromage' or whatever it is, is strictly banned in this country and those caught partaking in underground foreign muffness will be forced Brie for a week and sent back to waterloo.